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Welcome back to the most recent installment of Am I the Literary Asshole?, an advice column that’s dishing up information so fresh it could be a sweet piece of Florida citrus. I’m your host, Kristen Arnett, and I’m finally back from my monthlong writing residency. I’ve got a lot of literary ideas cooking (and a lot of my brains cooking, the sun out in the keys was H-O-T-T-O-G-O!) and I’m ready for wheeling and dealing. Let’s hit it!
Grab a can of hard seltzer (or a regular seltzer—it’s always five o’clock somewhere for me, but for someone else it’s probably 9am) and let’s unpack alllllll your burning questions, shall we?
On with the show!
1) I wrote a memoir a few years ago, and in the years since I occasionally get messages from readers with kind words about the book, which I am always delighted to read and respond to. But some of these messages are accompanied by an ask to hang out, or a suggestion that the reader thinks we would be good friends. I want to protect my privacy and personal time, and I feel a little nervy about meeting people who have an idea of who I am based on my memoir. I feel like I’d be totally open to making a new friend who happened to read my book if I met them at a party or through a mutual friend, but I don’t know how to kindly respond to these emails. How would you respond, or should I not respond at all? Is there a way to graciously accept the compliment but decline the hang? Am I overthinking this? Thank you for the advice!
I think this is a really lovely question and I’m so glad you wrote in with it!
First of all, congratulations on putting together something that was so lovely that people want to get in touch with you to tell you how much the book meant to them. That is a very great thing and doesn’t happen all the time, so kudos on your achievement! It’s always a really special honor to receive mail like that. It makes us feel connected to our community. One of the main reasons that many of us write is to feel like our words are heard and understood by someone else. When people just seem to get it? It’s a special kind of magic.
Now, the other part of your letter is a little trickier to navigate. Sometimes when people read our work, they mistakenly assume that we ARE the work. And the line gets blurred in terms of what the relationship actually is. Instead of writer and reader, someone—in this case, some of the people who read your memoir—have mistakenly decided that because they read your work, they understand who you are.
Yes, it’s true that there is an honest connection to be made from life experience and memoir writing. However, these are only snapshots into the larger life of a writer. A book might contain moments and memory, questions about the larger scope of a lived experience, but it does not define a whole life.
Dear friend, I think it’s fine for you to answer these emails in a brief way while still remaining positive with readers. As you note here, the messages are positive in nature and it’s nice to be appreciated. You can email these people back—if you choose, silence is also an option—and I think you can just thank them for their compliments and leave it at that. No need to mention anything about their desire to spend time together; most people will get the hint when you simply neglect to reply to the extended invitation.
Of course, there is also the possibility that a person would then write you back to force the issue, but that’s a very small percentage of (annoying) people, and in that case, please feel free to leave the emails unanswered.
I hope this helps!
Now let’s move along to question two of the day, in which we unpack a VERY tricky situation…
Seltzers at the ready!
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2) I’m an aspiring writer while juggling a non-writing career and yet to have anything published, mostly unfinished fiction sitting on my computer. I recently submitted short fiction I had been working on for months to my university’s annual anthology and being part of the editing team and all, I thought I could finally get something published! Alas, one of my teammates, who didn’t know the story was mine, ripped into it while we were on a Zoom call. I’ve been in a slump since, hating her, hating the piece, wanting to give up on writing and being part of the group of editors and everything! Help please?
Oh, friend. I am really sorry to hear this news.
Nothing sucks quite as bad as hearing that something you worked on—something you deeply care about, that you put a lot of time and care into—was treated so poorly.
I’ll say this, though you didn’t ask: in this particular situation, your teammate acted a bit like an asshole. It doesn’t matter that they were unaware that it was your work. Unless there was something horrific present in the story (I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that’s not the case here), there’s no professional reason to drag someone’s writing through the mud. Truly, you can never know who is listening—look what happened to you here—but also? It’s just not… nice.
Again, if your teammate didn’t like the piece, they can simply say it wasn’t their cup of tea and move on. They could even give concrete examples as to why it wouldn’t work for that particular issue. But to “rip into” a piece just because you dislike the work is simply cruel.
I know I can’t make you feel a hundred percent better about that interaction, but I can hopefully offer you a little bit of ease with this situation. We all know that not everyone is our reader. It seems like your teammate is definitely not yours. And you know what? That’s completely fine. Plenty of people aren’t my reader, either. But that doesn’t mean my work isn’t any good or that nobody cares about it!
You are going to find the readers who are right for your work. Please don’t give up on yourself because of one bad interaction. Keep editing at this journal. Keep working. I strongly urge you to keep writing and to keep submitting. Your reader is out there, I promise.
Wow, I need a drink after that one! Let’s crack open another seltzer and then dive into our final question of the day:
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3) Hi Kristen! I’m that friend that sends lit mag articles along if I think it’s something a friend might find interesting, but more often than not I get a “that’s crazy / cool / wild” response (if any acknowledgement at all!), and I’m never sure if that means they’ve read the piece or if they are wishing I would stop sending them the articles. I guess the thing to do is to just ask them but I’m not sure how to go about this in a nice way, or if it’s even worth bringing up. Any ideas?
This is the nicest, kindest question! I wish everyone were as thoughtful as you!
Let me start out by stating that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just sending along an article or an essay to your friends, with one caveat: as long as you don’t have any expectations about if the friend in question will read it.
Most of us lead busy lives. Sometimes, a friend might read something and think of me, then send it along, and I simply don’t have time to respond with more than a quick “thanks!” It doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the thoughtful gesture! We’re all just run ragged at this point; many of us are moving through the day on mere fumes.
But I think, dear reader, that if you send something along without expectation of a continued conversation, then you can just move through the day feeling good that you sent work your friend might like. No need to follow up to get their reaction to the work. Maybe your friend reads more slowly than you. Maybe they’ve already read that particular article (that happens a lot). Maybe they just don’t have time right at that moment to give feedback. These are all possibilities.
But I don’t think anyone who’s a friend would be turned off by a gentle, “hey, saw this and thought of you” text along with a link to something cool. That’s a nice gesture. No need to ask permission. Just leave it at that!
Okay, friend, I’ve crushed this can and I’m ready to call it a day. Join me next time when I answer more of your advice questions while simultaneously drinking myself silly. You’re all so fun, I adore you.
Send me your questions!!!
Stay hydrated,
Dad
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Are you worried you’re the literary asshole? Ask Kristen via email at AskKristen@lithub.com, or anonymously here.
